If you've followed my blog for a bit, you should know that I sometimes treat very personal topics (with a lack of restraint I probably shouldn't have), some sad ones, some trivial ones, and then, there's sex. Something I've honeslty never been shy about despite an enormous introversion.
But what about Casual sex ?
Some people need it, some don’t, some hate the mere idea with fierce passion, some will know only that... We indulge in it for different reasons, sometimes personal, sometimes just for the sake of it. I must say that when it comes to myself, it’s a bit of both.
Well, let’s start where it’s supposed to start. Last night wasn’t such a good one for me, and while I was tranquilly reading and eventually almost sleeping, I started having pretty pestering thoughts, to the point I wasn’t able to concentrate on my reading anymore. These happened to be about past relationships of mine. 2 specific ones, to be exact; and 2 drastically different ones. For some reasons, both were giving me some bad vibes, and this morning, I woke up feeling pretty fed-up. Well, I tend to dwell on things, even years after.
While I wish this wasn’t the case, this is one of the first reasons why casual sex doesn’t work as well as it should for me. I’m an introvert, and I have anxiety. This cocktail always results in recalling (supposedly) awkward moments I’m the only one to even remember, which makes the whole concept harder to deal with than it is for any other person.
Aside from this, I also used to be extremely shy — I thankfully worked on that, and my teenage years have been nothing special when it comes to sex. I started dating around 15, and it would always be guys that were at least 5 years older than I was, which meant I wasn’t meeting them so much, I wouldn’t see them at school and the likes. Despite being shy socially, sex was never something I have been afraid of nor even anxious about. So from day one, it’s been something natural and easy (that makes at least one thing in my life that is so).
Then (and this should be working in my favor, here) : I don’t seem to do so good with relationships. Long or short. Or, rather, there’s always that one thing my partners have complained about :
I don’t talk to them much (on the phone).
I don’t want to see them much.
Well, I’m a loner. I need my private time and space. I won’t answer texts in the next 5mins or even the next hour(s) at times. I’m not possessive, I’m not of a jealous nature. While I don’t think those are actual cons (really), it appears that, for most people who look for a relationship, they are. What I wasn’t expecting, though, was that it could be for those looking for simple fuck buddies, too. How do you explain to extraverts (or even just people) that you might have a recurrent need for promiscuity, but without wanting to meet often, still ? Well, here’s a little, humble look at what the Introvert that I am encountered during my search for good, casual sex these past years.
#1 — THE SEX FRIEND
Finding a sex-friend seemed like a reasonable option when being sexually active, especially for an introvert. Most of us don’t like to go out so much. Most of us don’t like to make the first step. So the whole concept of having someone you remotely know being there whenever you want to have a bit of fun sounds nice. It isn’t as easy, though.
I personally didn’t have a candidate for that title in my acquaintances, which already made the search more complex. After a few quick dates who lead to nothing at all, I eventually met guys whom I felt comfortable with, could talk with, and actually had pretty good sex with. I tried the thing, both parts had agreed on it, but then, it happened. Total failure. And I can say with confidence that it was never my fault.
Whenever I hooked up with a guy for that, I couldn’t be clearer than : “I’m not looking for a boyfriend, right ? But somehow, it didn't work.
I’ve met really different guys. From the single ones, the taken ones, the married ones, the freshly broken up ones…and weirdly, it’s always been the same for me. Lots of girls are complaining about the fact their boyfriends aren’t faithful (which is yet another matter), don’t call them enough, text them enough, basically care enough; and seriously, even if it’s going to sound presumptuous, I’ve been having the exact opposite problem.
I’ve mostly met guys who kept getting back to me even when they said they weren’t looking for anything serious, and actually ended up arguing with most of them because they were acting as if they were my current boyfriend.
Since I guess some of you might not have liked that just above, well, I have no problem with meeting taken nor married guys for they’re adults and know what they’re doing, it’s none of my business if these guys want to cheat on their spouse and I honestly don’t care (for I’m not going out with them or even planning to do so — but I wouldn’t date someone who’s actually taken). I’m not after these men, and believe me, they’re not walking around with a big neon saying “I’m not single” above their head.
The amount of guys who wait for you to have your hand in their pants to suddenly remember they are not single is amazing though, truly.
I’m not trying to make it look like guys are after me, I’m a fairly regular girl and I’m pretty unconfident, which doesn’t help me understand all of this. The thing is, even with one of them whom I kept seeing for more than a year and thought had finally become a real fuck buddy, it didn’t work. One day, he ended up sending me this dreadful “We don’t see each other much these days”, and then later got at me for not seeing him for anything else than things involving his dick. The story ended here, and, plot twist, mister had had a girlfriend the whole time.
#2 — THE CREEPY DATES
If you’re meeting several persons a week (or month), you’re bound to stumble upon a few weird cases, online dating or not. Well, just “weird” would be nice, but there’s actually a good chance you’re going to face some really creepy persons. Forgetting the inevitable dick pics, the truly rude ones (who call you all the names they can think of just because you said you weren’t interested) and more, there’s this kind of extremely pushy guys who just won’t let go. I remember one in particular, who was perfectly fine at the beginning (they always are), we had had a few conversations and had even settled on a date/place to meet. The night before though, he started acting a bit differently. Turns out he so desperately wanted to fuck he couldn’t wait for 24 more hours, and, also, didn’t think an actual room was needed anymore either. “Come on, outside is fine”. I don’t think so, sir.
The creepiest wasn’t this one. The worst I had was a guy who, when we were settling on a way to meet, suddenly backed away when I said I didn’t have a car. He instantly said I had to come to his place, because he really couldn’t do it. Why ? “You’re gonna freak out if I tell you.” I still asked, and I probably shouldn’t have. The guy had an ankle monitor.
The best remains his explanation for it : “I didn’t do anything, it’s because of my ex, she went to the police saying I kept coming to her door, following her everywhere and the likes… But I didn’t do anything !”...That is precisely why you have an ankle bracelet, honey.
I must say, this one time had me reconsidering things when it happened. I was already getting somewhat tired of my heavy casual sex period then though, but this undeniably helped me taking the decision to slow things down.
Truly though, the overall downside of hooking up a lot, as a woman at least, is the constant shaming and rudeness from the men whom you reject. No matter how polite you can get, some are holding onto their pride and ‘manliness’ way too much. Well, I hope they had a good time alone with their hand, in the end.
#3 — THE UNDECIDED
Then, there is that surprising kind of people… Who kind of want casual sex but aren’t in that one place in their head just yet. Mostly either because they aren’t single, are just recently single, or simply because they aren’t ready nor made for it. A remorseful guy is never something fun to deal with, I mean, I’m not here for that. Nobody is.
Nobody wants to be comforting their date the morning after, for it’s utterly embarrassing, and it's the biggest turn off there is, too.
One of the other main problem of casual sex is that many engage in it for healing, and, yet again, the double standards are terrible. But that’s no news.
Anywho, undecided people are the worst, for me. While I understand you need time, well, you’re making me lose mine too. I’ve had one date who turned out to be simply nothing, not even a good moment with a simple conversation, just nothing. The guy was lost, simple as that. He wanted to make out, then not, do this, then not, go here, then not. We ended up on a parking with the radio playing and the most awkward mood ever, before I asked him to drive me back home. Somehow this made him realize he didn’t want that anymore and wanted an actual girlfriend. Which he still asked me if I wanted to be. What on earth.
#5 — THE AKWARDNESS
The very worst about casual sex is probably that, though. Having to say goodbye/hello when, understandably, you have nothing to say to each another. Except for the very few cases when you met someone which things just clicked with, the aftermath is a painful experience, at least it has been so for me. As I’ve very rarely hooked up with men my age even for sex, there seemed to have that irrepressible need from them to either patronize or pamper me (the line between those is thin, however), while most weren’t even 10 years older than I am. It’s funny how “You’re adorable” can vary in meaning depending on the timing and context.
Waking up in a bed you don’t know, realizing you’re facing another introvert when the morning comes and the likes, all of these can be quite a hassle for anyone who’s not super confident, which I believe are most of us on this planet. But it’s still worth it, nevertheless.
Casual sex is more complex than I ever thought it could be when I was younger (I am currently 25), and while I do get that it depends a lot on who you’re doing it with, I am aware on the fact it is so because of my very own personality, too.
I have been called paradoxical countless times in my life, and if there’s one field I clearly have never been shy nor awkward, it’s that one. So I do get that it surprises most my dates when we finally get down to it.
So basically, that’s it : If you’re kind and are not a texting machine + aren’t ashamed of actually being sexually active, we might just be the perfect sex friends for each other ! Send me a message.
Actually no, please don’t
Just one last thing before I go. To taken girls(or guys) who blame their boyfriend/girlfriend's cheating on the person they've been with…
- How do I "steal" them from you when I don't even know you ?
- And that they never basically mentioned you ?
- And, most importantly, that I’m not even dating them ?
If you’re dating a jerk, you’re dating a jerk. That’s all.
Seriously people, stop blaming the cheating on the person your partner’s been with. That doesn’t make any sense. Think. About. It.