Well, today wasn’t such a great day. It’s not exactly finished yet as it’s barely 7PM, but it sure feels long. I woke up with a fierce headache and a fever (with the help of my neighbour’s grandson who keeps running around crying and yelling like he’s being chased by hungry lions every now and then), and instantly, I knew I was done for. Believe me, if there’s one thing I know it definitely is my body, and I’ve become especially good at differentiating a slight, normal pain to one that’s actually going to be a problem. I have been on a strong medical treatment for as long as I can recall, and I have headaches every single day (not migraines), so when I have a different kind of headache, I instantly can tell it apart. I tend to get easily sick too, and quickly, but when I do, it sadly tends to last, too. It’s the whole problem, my body is used to analgesics, and I’m equally used to pain. So when I get sick, curing me can be quite a hassle whenever the treatment involves common components such as Paracetamol, and guess what ? When fever and flu-like symptoms are involved, it’s generally what will be given to you. I have just that today, and it’s making me feel like I’m at the end (or the very beginning) of actual flu, and I hate it. I caught it twice this winter, and lost literally 2 months and a half of 2015 with it. I just caught a bad cold right now, and I thankfully know how to deal with fever and all, but still. I have spent the actual morning fighting it and trying to get a hold of myself, while I should have been working on new drawings that need to be published.
I opted for going out this afternoon, since I was pretty much unable to stay up at one point and had troubles keeping my eyes open, and I absolutely hate taking naps, sick or not. Walking around a (way too crowded) shop in this condition wasn’t easy basically, but then, something unexpected happen. I was about to pay for the few stuff I had bought when I was suddenly struck by a panic attack, which came out of nowhere. Well, no, after rethinking it now, happened due to this one pattern :
There was a lot of people around. Like, a LOT. They were all loud, and I kept being bumped all the way through my shopping. The experience ended up nothing close to be relaxing or enjoyable. — 1st stage.
I bought so many useless things and snacks I was myself taken aback once at the cash register. Then, the cashier said Hello while I was realizing that, but way too lowly. Was he even talking to me ? By the moment I realized he indeed was, it was too late to say Hello back. — 2nd stage.
At that moment I couldn’t look up anymore and was feeling it coming. The cashier seemed to be angry and was really fast, so that I had trouble putting things in my bag quick enough. — 3rd stage.
Then, I let one of the drink I bought fall to the ground and swore, thankfully it didn’t break open. I have no idea if they were, but it felt like everyone was looking at me now, so I didn’t pick it up and proceeded to try stuffing my things in my way too small bag, while the cashier had already stated how much it was all worth and was waiting for me to pay. By the way, I still didn’t know how he looked like either. — 4th and last stage : I realize I’m having one of these old panic attacks I haven’t had in years, and here it comes. I suddenly feel an irrepressible and irrational urge to cry and run away. I had for 20 freaking bucks of nothing and I barely manage to utter I’m gonna pay with my credit card. I leave with, I know, a real blank expression and wide eyes, trying not to cry. Right as I was outside, I did, though. And since it took me a good half an hour to realize what I had just gone through, it was hella perturbing.
I’m 26. I’m independent, both figuratively and literally. I have become a rather sociable adult, in opposition to the Teenager I was, the teenager who couldn’t accomplish most things due to over-shyness, gawkiness and a total absence of self-confidence, all of that topped by introversion.
Like everyone else, I went through sad but normal life happenings that made me tougher and transformed me, on many fields. Losing my father, older brother and a friend in a 2 year span, having my only sister leaving to the other side of the country with no explanation, going through difficult times with my health, getting in a destructive, hopeless relationship with an equally vain, emotionally dependent person, enjoying many other ones which did the opposite and helped me building some confidence in myself as a woman, working a job wherein I had to face basically all my social phobias… There were so many things that contributed to me winning over parts of my vision of life and overall shyness, but at times, when I’m a bit weaker, these seem to come back like a freaking boomerang. The insecurity, the fatalism, they all come back and crush me as hard as they can.
I quickly got used to my near agoraphobia and frequent panic attacks disappearing in the process of growing up, so today has a disagreeable feeling of failure and bitterness for me. I know it’s not that, it’s not a failure, it just happened. I know I can control things better now, for I do so every fucking day of my life. A good proof for that is that I stopped crying on a daily basis, too. I’ve always been an especially emotional, sensitive person and I still am, simple things, happy or sad, can jerk tears out of me. However, it seemed that I stopped doing that. I didn’t realize it until, a few years back, I suddenly realized I had no clue when the last time I in fact shed some tears was. I know, for example, that my best friend doesn’t cry. She really doesn’t. So if you’re like her, it won’t seem odd that you can’t remember when was the last time you did so, but believe me, for someone like me who couldn’t go a week without crying, it feels extremely weird to realize you’ve become the opposite. I really just don’t cry anymore. But because of that, when I eventually do so, I let go completely, and I feel like absolute shit for the rest of the day.
These past 2 weeks, my health has been acting up and I really haven’t been feeling good. Catching that cold made it all worse and although I do hope it was for today/the weekend only, I know that I’ll still need a 3-4 days recovery behind it. I feel like I’m trapped in a body which isn’t the same age as I am for most times, I really do. Although I’ve accepted it, I still want to believe it could evolve differently, one day. I might not sound so, but I’m a really optimistic person. It’s gonna sound cliché, but I cherish life too much not to.
If the old routines and phobias could keep themselves locked in forever though, it’d be great.