Today was moving day for my mom, so I gladly lent a hand. Had my brother and two friends of his helping too. We ended up eating a supposedly quick lunch at his at midday, which resulted, as always when I’m at his house (and this happens like twice a year at best), into fruitless, endless debates about this whole damn world. Would the discussions be actual debates though, I wouldn’t mind so much. But it’s always the same .
I grew up surrounded by cisgender males who have no idea what difference is, nor how important it is. No matter what he thinks and says, and I know he believes it, my brother is racist, homophobic and, really, nearly xenophobe at this point.
I stay away from him now, for, we do nothing but disagree whenever we meet. I have gone over the stage where it bothers me, for, after a particularly violent argument once, I realized it. We will never understand each other. That is all.
How can you have a proper discussion with someone who thinks Arab people are terrorists, Black people are idiots (nor explanation for it, he just thinks so with an unbreakable will.), Asian people eat cats and dogs and therefore are disgusting, and then, let’s not talk about Homosexuals, who are nothing but deviant, sad people to him.
I hate to write this down now, no matter what my relationship with him is, it’s not pleasant to know that your brother is that kind of person, especially when he firmly maintains that he is not. I mean, heard in the same conversation with him :
“I’m not racist, one of my friends is black.” (Dude, do you want a freaking medal ?)
And 5 minutes later :
“I’m not saying strictly all Africans are stupid, but seriously, there’s a good 90% of them that are so.”
I swear to you, he said it in a 10 minutes interval, and he was being dead -serious-.
Since no one dares contradicting him in that family (for his wife agrees anyway and my mother just sadly gave up), I end up doing so. We fight, we never agree, and he doesn’t even want to hear my point. There’s no freaking hope left for this dude.
Today was worse, to some extent. My brother’s best friend happens to be even more extreme than he is, and he is, also, a very bitter man. He’s nearly 40, single, no kids, and obviously would have wanted another career. While there isn’t anything wrong with these facts in the first place, he’s not fine with these parameters one bit, and treats both men and women that don’t meet his standards or expectations in the most disgusting way, for no reason whatsoever.
I endured a whole damn day filled with conversations about gender roles in the society, hearing this guy call women hoes, bitches, stupid and more without anyone complaining, repeating over and over that this or that thing was ‘hella gay’, basically saying that any guy who wasn’t another version of himself was a faggot, that independent women were either sluts or, in his words, ‘freaking dykes’, and then the racist jokes and comments kept coming as well… I don’t even get how there could be so much in so little time, and I don't get how it disturbs strictly no one when we're 6 persons in the same room. I'm just so tired of being the only one reacting.
Well, honestly, here goes nothing. I have no conclusion to this, it feels really useless, overdue… And I’ve been going through scenes like this all my life, all my teenage years, and if I was unconsciously looking for acceptance from my family back then, I am not anymore, and seeing how things are as of today, it’s a good thing.
All the racism, hate and more, the supposed jokes and comments on the whole LGBT community… Man, I have no tolerance left for this. When I say tolerance, I mean an actual ability to take it all in silence without punching others in the face, not actual tolerance. Because when it comes to that, I've never had any.
Don’t be racist. Don’t be homophobic, transphobic, whatever.
I’ve been fighting all day not to yell in utter frustration to either stop the conversations or shout that I’m bisexual; I wonder how my ‘not homophobic’ brother would take that. However, this is not worth saying. I don’t need him having yet another reason to judge my life which he already doesn’t get.
The only reason why I keep seeing members of my family every once in a while is, sincerely, my mother. She means the world to me. She raised me, she did the best she possibly could, always. It’s not her fault her kids don’t get along, and, of course, she hates to see us like that. It’s only for her that I do this. I know she needs it. But she knows how I feel towards it, and sadly, this is final.
I'm happy that I'm an independent adult now, but days like these keep reminding me that, as a teen, you go through that every single day, within your own family. Might it be the latent (or not) racism, or homophobia. It feels like it will never end, but believe me, it will. Stand up for your opinions, your rights, the person you are. Just do it, no matter what. There’s no point in getting along with a family that doesn’t want you as you are.
Talks can make things change, definitely. But if they don’t, don’t bother. As long as you’re within your own right, what you believe is right for you, you shouldn’t have to bear such things.