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Needing labels and feeling frustratingly lost

It’s basically my life as of now. I truly hate that I'm the kind of person that needs a label on everything, I need clearly defined things, no matter what. I make lists, I organize priorities, I constantly write stuff down, put names on them. I need dates and specific times. I need context.

I'm a really factual person too, and I must say theoretical and abstract concepts are not my forte. And with me, it's generally not as easy as explaining with "Look, this thing is blue", because I would go "Yeah but what kind of blue ? Aegean? Powder ? Midnight ? Baby ?" ...Yes, I'm just this annoying sometimes.

 

Even if I'm not always fond of this aspect of my personality, I learned to live alongside it (and control it to some extent) and it does bring me peace and closure, and would you know me in real life, you'd know how much that means to me (especially closure).

I've said it a few times on here already, last year was my "coming out" year; at the not so young age of 26; after years of closeted denial (sort of — because I never truly denied my attraction to girls, only it was always carefully presented as plausible, not factual, as I always thought love really has no gender to begin with.). It was both a relief and really bitter for me then, as I was extremely happy to eventually have come to terms with myself, but yet could eventually reflect on all those years spent closer than ever to the LGBT+ community as an ally, feeling both home and out of place. I always had that feeling of illegitimacy, because I would always react as if I was personally concerned by all the issues I would stumble upon, and hell I was, only, for some reasons, it took me years to truly realize and accept it. Thing is, life hasn't let me such good opportunities to reflect on it all more until then either.

This is still upsetting me today. I guess it shouldn't as I have never been happier with myself, but well. It'll take a little while, I suppose.

I questioned my sexuality a whole damn lot through my teenage years and after, though. This, too, was somewhat locked away in a dark corner of my mind until then; but as I stumbled upon old diaries of the 17 year old me while sorting things out in my apartment, I was shocked to find the longest paragraph about this one topic. More than that, the 10 years younger me was in fact pretty damn persuaded she was bisexual, which was something I had strangely forgotten since. Well, I guess it's truly a question of bad timing. At 18, I got in a 4 years long relationship with a man who died since, followed with another which turned out extremely abusive and left me repressing about anything and everything for a moment. This one happened the same year my father died. Then, my older brother died as well. I stopped drawing. I stopped socializing. When I think about it, adding some other personal problems to it all, including health, I know for sure that it couldn't have happened in my twenties [my coming out]. It probably could have earlier, only, I didn't have the confidence nor certitude I have now, nor any kind of safe nor supportive environment for it. So, it never happened. Aside from the bad timing and events that life had thrown upon me, deep down, I probably repressed it all too.

 

All of this to say that, since the past year, I have been identifying as Pansexual. The very definition of this term is what helped it all click in my head also. The non-binary inclusion felt like what's been missing from all the definitions I had come across until then. I dated non-binary people way before finding out about this term, but for some reasons, calling myself “bisexual” didn’t seem to fit, then. I just didn’t care about the persons’ genders, actually (This shows just how, paradoxically, my need for labels only applies to my own self; I really don’t care if others don’t feel the need to label themselves).

However, and now that I've been much more implied in the community and started living as 100% myself, I have also realized that, most of the time, when I would want to speak of me of would be questioned, the Bisexual term would come up more easily.

I am greatly concerned by Bi erasure. And honestly, I'm part of the fewer Pans who do think being Pan falls under the Bi spectrum, hence I would actually call myself Bisexual, too. I see it [Pansexuality] as a more inclusive term, and I wasn't at first. There's still a part of me that firmly believes that about half of the bisexual community isn't non-binary inclusive (no matter what they say), which is also why I understand the constant debate between Bisexuals and Pansexuals. But still, saying Pansexuality has nothing to do with Bisexuality is absolutely idiotic.

Lots of Bisexuals describe their sexuality as "Attraction regardless of gender", which is exactly the same description as Pansexuality. They consider that the "Bi" prefix applies to attraction to the opposite sex + any other gender, not just the male + female one, which is a definition that, of course, speaks to me.

 

Overall, I think both terms are useful and needed. Which doesn't help me pick a definite one. I wish I was a carefree person that doesn't need such labels to keep on. It doesn't restrain me from actually living, but bugs me so that I still write posts about it on here.

Tag(s) : #Things I just want to talk about, #Lgbt

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