I haven't been active (internet-wise, that is) at all during summer. I've been having artistic ups-and-downs and lots of insomnia. Well, summer was crap altogether.
Today's the 22th of September. It's Autumn already. I didn't realize until I saw some random post on twitter.
My mom lost one of her child on the first day of Spring, and on the first one of Autumn, she did, too. Life sure likes to throw things at her face.
I keep seeing pictures of my older brother, my mother posts them, puts them on her phone as screensavers, everything. I have so much trouble dealing with it. Whenever I mention him as a thing of the past, I feel bad. I feel guilty, I wanna make up for what I just let out, for blatantly acknowledging he isn't there anymore. I don't want to hurt her more. She needs peace.
I miss my father. I hate not knowing what our conversations as adults would be like. I want to show him what I do, what I draw; I wanna fight with him, I wanna disagree on things, because we had, and we would have. I know he wouldn't have understood me fully today. I also know he would have loved me unconditionally, would have supported me. In my whole family, he and mom have always been the two who would. They might not understand, but they would try to. The others wouldn't.
I hate that my brothers and sister never even reached out to me after my father died. What I hate more is that they put themselves first when we lost our older brother, they excluded me from it, wholly. For some reasons, I wasn't allowed to grieve over it any more than I was for my father. They drowned in self pity, in the fact they suddenly had to face a real hardship. Everyone faces difficulties, everyone fights personal battles, I know that. But I can never let that go.
I have participated in too many push and pull games I didn't want to be a part of in the first place. This isn't a contest.
As far as I can remember I have always been dealing with depression. I also have crippling anxiety. I don't have a good health. I have faced more deaths of loved ones than I could ever imagine I would before I was even 30.
I'm always in a state of tension. Being used to pain, physical and mental, is exhausting. I used to cry a lot, now I don't. Right now, I am though. I let go every once in a while, due to specific events and dates for most times. I know my mother is crying today, and it feels horrible. For I can't do nothing.
I just want her to be happy. She has had the hardest life. I'm tired of her having her patience, her resistance constantly tried.
I hope today ends quick. It's not gonna change anything, but it'll still be better.
Mom, please be happy.