Anxiety is a fucking burden. I'm so tired of it.
Well, there isn't any moment when it is ever comfortable or appreciable to live with it, but some days, it really hits you hard. This week has been filled by days like that, along many other pleasant little things. Insomnia, 3 hours long nights at best when I would sleep, periods, having to make phone calls I wasn't initially supposed to, and (that's here it gets truly problematic), a good news that transformed into a huge pool of contradictory feelings for me.
I strive to be a good visual artist. I don't think I'm by any means there, but for the first time in a pretty long while, I got offered something. Or, I received an actual offer.
It's hard to believe in anything you're told when you don't believe in it yourself to begin with.
It's annoying the hell out of me to keep asking myself why ? when thinking I just deserve my try as much as the next one too.
It's oppressive to think you should maybe just leave it to that when you have a thousands questions ready to flow out your brain and mouth. When you do want to ask but don't manage. When you feel like it's normal you would ask and end up thinking it's gonna make you look clueless if you really do.
It all results in the very same thing, though. You do nothing. You lose 2 hours on this and it's nearly 1AM. And you let a whole day pass already.
I don't think people who don't have anxiety themselves or a close acquaintance that do do realize how constricting it really gets. We're not being whiny. We're not being lazy. Asocial. We. just. Cannot.
I've had countless fights over it with my mother for years. As I was a teen, she thought I was fighting with, basically, being a teenager. I was already depressive and was heavily bullied at school, so she thought it came from that. That years would ease the pain, that adulthood would take over and do its job. I'm nearly 30, and this parameter didn't change. It evolved, but didn't leave me. I'm still depressive, too.
I have huge Telephonophobia. This is something my mother took years to accept and understand. If we have similar personalities and have the best of mother/daughter relationship, she is also what I'll never be : an Extravert. And one hell of it.
She is assertive and has a "fight fire with fire" approach of life that I don't have, we often disagree on ways to solve problems, tangible or factual.
Anyway, here I am again today, feeling incapable and venting things onto my blog. Hopefully, I do manage to do something about this situation. I have to.
Until then, Anxiety ;