And here I go...Another sad post.
Well...Somehow I thought you'd never leave this planet. It seemed like I'd have my whole life to see you and go spend time with you, all the while knowing deep down inside that it wasn't the case. I just liked blinding myself voluntarily when it came to this because I knew I couldn't do more than what I already did in the past to help it all, to help you; as a matter of fact.
But once more, life has taken yet another person I love away from me. I've always been an Atheist, and these past 10 years have only been proving me right regarding the so called existence of a God. I say these past 10 years, I'd rather say my whole life. I'm only 24, but my loved ones and I have been through too much already. So really, fuck this so called God that cares for everyone all around this shitty, rotten world.
I only believe in what I see, and what I've seen isn't brilliant. I've never had false hopes regarding life, I came to know it was a bitch at the youngest age.
I've had the happiest childhood, the best parents you could have. When I say I realized life was so hard so quick; it's simply because I've always been watching, listening, learning. And yet, little did I know what I would get to know and what would happen in my own circle of friends and family when growing up.
I'm not a bitter person. I love life. I love and cherish it to the marrow of my bone. But how couldn't it feel unfair when people you love are taken away ? Hurt, morally and physically ? How do you feel at barely 25 years old with a body that's always been sick, with members of your own family treating you like shit for no reason while the good ones are dying one after another or undergoing hardships all the time ?
Anyway... I made this post for one person. And I ended up writing much more than I basically wanted, as always. The person I'm adressing myself to here wasn't a family member, but a friend; once a lover.
So I just simply wanted to say that I miss you Brad. I know you were a believer, and you know I've never been one. And I know you wouldn't have been surprised reading such a message from me.
That's one of the many things that made you such a great, wonderful person : your tolerance. You even had too much of it towards people. You were too kind. I never told you that, but I really do think it. Yet, that's what made you who you were, your kindness. I've honestly never met anyone as kind as you. Asking me to go and live my life because you were already in bad condition when we were together, telling me that, also, due to our 10+ age gap, you'd understand it if I wanted to see someone else... I couldn't believe someone could be so tolerant, and still can't. I never wanted anyone else, or I wouldn't have been with you. I'm not that kind of person.
It's been years now; that we broke up on a common agreement; but I still had you as a friend. I do regret not speaking to you as much as I should have. As much as I would have wanted, rather. But it was just like that. And I still was ever so happy to have you in my life after all of this.
But now you're gone. And I can't take it right now.
I needed to write it all down, but now I just need to freaking publish this and let go...Then think of something else for the time being. Anyway, like I already said; I miss and love you Brad. I just can't realize that it's all over.